Let’s Be Clear

by with No Comment fitnessmental healthmommy diariespersonalrantswellness

I used to resent being referred to as an “influencer”. Bleh- you want to group me in with people who create these unrealistic lifestyles and never show the real life that takes place behind all of their picture perfect social media squares? No thanks! But then I thought about it, leaders influence people and we’re all leaders in our way right? P.S. don’t come for my throat, I’m not saying all influencers do this, I’m referring to the people out there who are real ‘influencer buttholes’, you know the ones.

Because I realized that we can choose what we influence and how, and we can choose to not influence at all, even. But to have the “capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone”… wow, well that seems like a big responsibility to me. And honestly, some days I choose not to go too deep and just post about my burrito and some days I choose to go there. Like today. If what we’ve been through in life and how we’ve coped can help even ONE person, wouldn’t we want to influence in that way?

you’re not f*cking it all up and whatever you’re doing, you’re doing just great

I would’ve really loved to have that when Corrine was little. For someone tell me that I’m not f*ucking it all up, that we’d make it out a-okay, that my best was in fact enough, and that I birthed a baby and stretch marks ARE sexy! Holy hell can you imagine what that would’ve done for my confidence as a single mother and my self esteem as a person?

This was wayyy before Instagram , Facebook, and all the other social media platforms that exist today ever existed. So if I had a hard time adulting before all this (still do sometimes tbh) then I know that what our kids and these impressionable young minds (adult minds too c’mon now) are feeling and how it can weigh heavily on their mental health. I have an almost 22 year old daughter and to teach her to think outside of social media is a pain in the ass, and also a lesson I had to learn. PS I still have to remind myself of that, I have my days, trust.

Comparison is the thief of joy- Theodore Roosevelt

Every image… every.single.image. *claps hands, you know she means business* that is published in magazines, on billboards, etc. is retouched. I already knew that but a few of my friends have highlighted a page on Instagram called @beauty.false and others, where Real Life vs Instagram is showcased side by side. You guysssss, it’s pretty crazy what we see on social media versus real life… and hey I get it, I love a good filter! But I use VSCO to enhance the brightness not the booty. Let’s be clear, I love bright whites and shadows and light flares and bumping up saturation…but I’m not going to bump up my booty just to fit into these ‘new norms’ I’ve been seeing. Have you seen this? Where tiny women make their waists even tinier and where they make their asses look like a science experiment? To each their own, this is not a dig, but if you’re out there with an audience and you have a voice on any platform, and you’re not sharing your truths (should you choose to be an ‘influencer’, don’t @ me), then what the fuck are you doing?

it took me 0.5 seconds to cinch my waist and fill out my hip dips

I mean, I’m a fitness coach who loves food, drinks tequila, hulks out at the gym, and has hip dips, stretch marks, and cellulite. GASP! Now, will I post what I feel is a ‘bad’ photo of myself to Instagram? Probs not, but I will be honest about how bomb lighting, a flex, or a filter will make me feel like a GD supermodel. Oh man, I’ll go into the pressures of the industry on another day, but this topic really fires me up. I personally unfollow, delete, mute, block, whatever I gotta do to not have the BS of IG creepin’ on my inner dialogue. If I’m not interested in someone’s actual life or don’t talk to them IRL than I don’t feel bad doing that and you shouldn’t either. They’re the images and messages that will fill our personal space on the daily. I need to follow more cute animal accounts! Don’t we all <3

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this, I kind of went on a tangent (no surprise) so please tell me how you feel about social media. How do you feel about influencers, are you one? Do you feel the pressure to be authentic or inauthentic? Do you think about the content you see in your feed or do you mindlessly scroll for entertainment? I’m guilty of consuming IG in both ways…hello slime vids at 3am <3

this photo got so much praise which I’m grateful for because I do LOVE my body, but also: lighting, filter, flex baby <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instagram – Hiding Likes, Algorithm Changes, and Cyberbullying

by with 3 Comments lifestylemental healthmotivationrantsTechtechnologywellness

Wowza, now that’s a mouth full but here goes! Prepare yourselves for my word vomit. I’m not holding back.

So as you know, every day it seems like Instagram and other social platforms are changing their algorithms and policies. Or maybe you don’t know and therefore don’t care because it doesn’t affect you? *high five to you* But since there’s a lot of anxiety and frustration surrounding all the changes within the community, today I want to talk about:

  1. if and how it could affect creators (all users really, but specifically to those brand deal negotiators)
  2. what you can really do to keep up with the fackking algorithms and changes (other than chuck your laptop out the window)
  3. cyber bullying/ competition/ mob mentality/ ego- how I really feel. Here’s a preview: Instagram can suck it.

Fine, I’ll admit that came out harsh. Not wrong, because that’s how I actually feel but let me tell you why something as little as an app on a phone can really rile me up. I’ll start here.

1) does it affect its users? Okay, so if your money maker is a platform like Instagram where you team up with brands on the reg and they pay you to create content for a campaign (i.e. my Palmers hair care campaign) sure, maybe. But that depends on you and what you’re willing to do. Or not do rather. The algorithm is ever changing because their motives are to keep users on the app longer. Like all damn day. Like, don’t have a life and if you do, live it ON Instagram. They no longer feature the chronological feeds because they want to give you the content that you’ve proven to interact with the most.

It’s not you, it’s them. But it’s because of you that it’s them.

Hence, everyone and their mother made those “turn on my notifications” posts. See, the more you interact with someone’s content (watch stories, like, comment, blah blah) the more IG will prioritize that content for you. Not bad if you really think about it, they’re simply trying to curate content for you in the same way YouTube killed their Home page. But kinda sucks ass for creators because we’re constantly keeping up with ‘trends’, reaching for ‘low hanging fruit’… and all the other bad jargon that comes from it. It’s like this: there are people who base-line interact with your content and people who don’t interact at all because they’re just lurking or scrolling mindlessly through their feeds (I actually scroll mindlessly quite often. It’s not an app I want to open up and think about ya know). Well those interactions aren’t technically ‘interactions’ and now they don’t count towards your algorithm see? Because it’s not a human being making the decisions it’s all code baby.

ABANDON YOUR INSTAGRAM PODS

This is a whole other article I need to write. There’s a lot you may be doing to actually hurt you on IG, but we’ll talk about that later. My point in saying that is, there are things you can do to help move with the changes.

2) What can I do to keep up with all the changes? What I really meant to say was, “there are things you can do to try and beat the system”, but the system is a machine and you are not Johnny Five. Looping back around to the ‘things you may or may not be willing to do’ bit. If you’ve noticed a dip in all around interactions, views, Likes yada yada- here are the things you can do to basically be in everyone’s faces all of the time, which makes the machine go, “oh yea, we like this person, they’re really using every feature. Lets push out their content more”.

  • really use every feature. a) IG Live- at least once a week, even for a few minutes. Some people go Live every day. I am not those people. But I applaud their dedication b) story story story- on the daily. Oh you’ve been seeing people story more? Like a dozen times? Ya, they either love talking to the camera or they are trying to use every feature more c) In-feed post at least once a day. Post videos in feed at least once a week. Use the carousel feature in-feed as much as you can without going bonkers d) IGTV- at least once a week z) yes I said z because damn, anything else they want us to do? So z- use the GIFs, the Swipe Up feature, link all the things, use stickers…just go NUTS in your stories making them so fucking interactive that no one even knows what the hell you’re talking about anymore

Oh she mad.

Nah, she’s just done trying to dance when they tell me to dance. I’m venting here but I’d by lying if I said I didn’t do any of these things. I actually do ALL of them. It’s my job (I chose this, no regrets but sheesh can ya give the girl a breather) to overshare. I actually choose what I want to share very carefully because it’s a very vulnerable thing to do and also, that’s a lot of pressure for anyone I think. At the end of the day, my ‘job’ heavily relies on engagement and on how frequently I post to my blog, YouTube, and social media platforms. Sleep? I hardly know her.

If you have an audience on any platform, it’s my personal belief that you have a public responsibility to not fuck people up in the head

I told you, I’m not holding back. I say: HIDE THE LIKES. BUHBYEEE!!! Cool, let me focus on quality over quantity, let me breathe and not worry about if a brand will pass on my pitch just because it’s not getting enough ‘engagement’. I just think there’s a lot of ‘influencers’ who use their influence for BS and share a life that is unattainable to 99% of the real world. People talk about things without realizing that it actually influences young minds. I’ve been guilty of it myself, trust. The highlight reel is anything but REAL. I found myself pivoting my own conversations with my audience to try and do as much as I can- well as much as you can do really, on an application, without sounding cheesy or preachy. <— that is v hard to draw the line on. I actually like the idea of hiding likes because it

  • relieves people of the pressure-  “how many likes did I get”. That fake scale of self worth should be burned with fire.
  • no competition & comparison- or the reduction of, at least. Sadly a lot of this will exist whether or not the app actually exists and that’s a sad reality. The mob mentality on any public forum is REAL. And the egos and insecurities that drive people to bully others and to personally seek them out to attack them is disgusting. I’ve experienced so much of this myself and it’s got to stop. I don’t know who or how or when but can it stop already? Kids are dying, kids are killing themselves and others, and it’s sickening. Does this not haunt you? PS I’m talking specifically about our youth here. Yes adults too, but young impressionable minds are young and impressionable.
  • brands will measure worth more accurately and fairly- it will not be quantitive. But quality will actually matter when considering who hires who and P.S. brands will still have access to metrics and we’ll all still be obligated to disclose partnerships in accordance with FTC regulations. So this should not affect backend number stuff
  • less invasive and more truthful- people will Like the things they truly like and interact with things they truly want to interact with. And honestly, they’re probably already doing that. So often, the Likes equate to validation and clout. I understand that IG’s choice to hide Likes is probably less about wanting to do good in the world, and more about marketing tactics and making more money BUT I’d like to think that this change would be a good thing.

At the end of the day we can’t let this stuff affect us. We either go with the flow or riot right? LOL There’s a lot of things to give your energy to in your life. That’s the real stuff that affects us. All we can really do with the internet part of it, is to keep creating the things we want to share with the world + be our most authentic selves as much we can + stay sane through this crazy time in life. I mean, most of us only had to worry about someone at school passing us a note by accident, not posting about us to THE WORLD.

I know that was a lot. I just really wanted to talk about this since it’s been all over my emails, my work life, and the community. I’d really like to know what you think. And HEY, if you just wanna post about your life and not make it a drama with ‘morals of the story’ and ‘lessons we learned today’, that’s absolutely okay! But if that’s something you’re doing… does any of this make you go hmmmmm?

Are you affected? Do you care or nah? Have you seen the changes and what do you think of all this social media madness? P.S. thank you for always supporting me. Reading my posts, interacting with me on the Gram, all the things- it all shows your love and support so thank you so much, I see you <3

Thank You, Next

by with 2 Comments personalrantsrelationshipswellness

With each new year I take some time to reflect on the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, and what I’ve learned. This story is inspired by my friend Karissa. I want to give you a brief history of some significant relationships in my life that I’ve had with women and with men, which were all important to me so here goes.

Also, if this is the first time you’re hearing about me dating women it’s because I don’t go around talking about my love life and generally in life my sexual orientation doesn’t come up. I mean who goes around asking, “So, what you into?”. And two, privacy. But if you ask me I’ll tell you, I fall in love with a person. I don’t see gender I see character, I see integrity, I see love, and I see who I am when I’m with them. I see who they are when they’re with me and I fall in love with a person’s spirit, not their body parts. Though, those are nice too.

FIRST LOVE
Corrine’s father, my first everything. We met in High School, I was 14 and nerdy, he was in my grade, popular and confident. He made me feel seen when I didn’t feel seen in the world at all. Your teenage years are difficult and we navigated those years together. Getting pregnant, getting married, and then getting divorced. I grew up with him but I had a lot of growing up to do.

What he taught me: how to love. At one point in life, we truly loved each other. He taught me a lot about control. Self control and that you can’t control someone else, you have power over yourself and that’s about it. I lost myself in him which was beautiful and terrible. Love is tricky always but especially tricky when you’re not emotionally mature. I’ll forever be grateful to you for Corrine. The very best of the both of us lives in her, thank you for that R.

Song that reminds me of him:  Mariah Carey’s ‘When I Saw You’ came out when we met and I used to play it on repeat and dream about lunch time with him when we wouldn’t actually eat lunch but instead make out for 30 minutes near the cafeteria. Oh young ones.

Favorite memory: He’d drive me to school and we’d blast rap music so loudly (lots of Too Short and Baby Bash) that my ears would ring for the first half of the day and then we’d pass notes to each other during shop class. I still have the first note he ever wrote me. Next,

THE LOVER
my first real girlfriend. I started kissing girls in the 8th grade when I realized I liked them (way to go 12 year old me, live yo life), but this was different. She held my hand in public, she was a young mom like me, and I loved the way she handled herself, very composed. We’d listen to music together and dance around the living room when the kids were in bed and drink whiskey. Thank you for my love of whiskey and singing country music with me L. 

What she taught me: Have fun outside of being a mom, it’s necessary. Make time for the relationships you want to last, relationships take effort and friendships are relationships.

Song that reminds me of her: Pink anything. We listened to Pink all day.

Favorite memory: Diner dates. We’d go to a diner and talk about life over coffee and waffles and whipped cream. Next,

THE MENTOR
we met when ‘cruising’ was cool. He rode motorcycles and was detailed and intelligent. He took care of us in a time when I had nothing and was working two jobs to keep it together while everything was falling apart. He helped me get back on my feet and encouraged me to go to college. He taught me the true meaning of being independent. I traveled, went out with friends, and found my passions again because he gave me the freedom to. I’ll forever love motorcycles, fast cars, and my boobs, thank you G. 

What he taught me: How to be aware of my surroundings, be a more defensive driver, P.O. Boxes forever, and to stand up for myself. He was in law enforcement so being paranoid in a good way was good. Still is. I always have an ‘out’ no matter where in public I go.

Song that reminds me of him: ‘Nobody’ by Keith Sweat

Favorite memory: late night motorcycle rides through the canyons. He’d wake me up in the middle of the night to hike me around windy roads with cool breezes and star chasing. Next,

THE NURSE
we met in college. She was in my 6am English class and wore a hoodie like nobody’s business. Her makeup was dark and in private moments she was sweet and laughed easily. She was driven. She wanted to be a nurse and the first in her family to get a degree. And she did it. I helped her get out of an abusive relationship and she helped me realize my love for taking care of and helping others. She was selfless and fiery. You always called me out on my shit and made me feel safe to talk about things that hurt, thank you for that M. 

What she taught me: you must first be able to count on yourself before you can count on anyone else. Never break promises to yourself. That my intuition is always right. And that letting go is a good thing.

Song that reminds me of her: The Pussycat Dolls ‘Watcha Think About That’

Favorite memory: She’d walk me to my Psych class on Tuesdays and Thursdays before she had to go into work and we’d just stroll around campus with breakfast burritos and hot cheetos talking about everything and nothing. She always smelled amazing. Next,

THE WIFE
we met when I was married to my first husband. We were just friends then and remained friends after my divorce, always following one another’s lives and supporting each other. Our friendship turned into something more years later and I was in love with her in such a way, we even talked about marriage. She was smart, witty and SO funny! She was never embarrassed to show me affection in public and we remained friends after our breakup and still follow one another’s lives and support each other. You were my first real girlfriend long before you were my real girlfriend. Thank you G. 

What she taught me: To be beautiful it just takes a genuine smile, some heart, and some silliness.

Song that reminds me of her: We listened to the 90’s a lot together, that whole era brings back great memories.

Favorite memory: one of the first memories I have with her was being in a car and feeling frazzled for some reason. I was still married then. She knelt down and looked at me in my eyes, she touched my arm in a serious but tender way and said, “it’s going to be okay, you’re strong and you have friends and I’m one of them.”
_______________________________________________________________________________

So there it is. Do you like stories like this? Let me know in the comments <3 Revisiting each of the loves of my life through this short-not-so-short-story really allowed me to look at each of them with gratitude. So your turn, thank you Karissa for this! Here’s the template she gave me:

One word to sum up your significant other:
A brief description of your relationship (focus on gratitude):
Lessons you learned:
Song that reminds you of them:
Favorite memory:

I hope you do this, it’s so interesting to me what loves make up our past and present. They’re all so significant if you really think about it. And not from a negative space but to focus on gratitude as she suggests. I actually teared up writing this! Your turn!