My desire to help others is bigger than my fear of failing…

by with No Comment communityfitnesshealthlifestylemotivationwellness

I realize this is actually the longest title ever in life, but I couldn’t think of anything more accurate than the statement itself. I said this in a recent video of mine and I meant it.

If you’ve been following along my journey to become a fitness instructor, you know it all began with my fitness journey for myself- but then it morphed into something way outside of myself. Bigger. Corrine had graduated High School, she was going to college and working full time… so umm what other hats did I wear when I took off my mom hat? I put that hat on when I was 15 to be exact.

And I’ve always been active, going through seasons of working out and seasons of not stepping foot inside a gym or studio for months/years. Then I reconnected with a friend of mine, Tiffany Morgan who was working with this fitness goddess, Lacey Stone. In summation- 2 years ago I joined her ‘come back camps’ (bootcamp style workouts + team building), I became obsessed with strength and empowering my teammates, and I realized it was a passion of mine to literally ‘work it out’ alongside others.

Lets eat the good stuff and push through the rough stuff

That’s what my entire brand has been about. Using pain for power, empowering others and giving my energy to the people I care about. Except I didn’t know there was something I could actually do with that, and where would I even start? How intimidating it all sounded, how intimidating the fitness industry was is. So many things could’ve stopped me from pursuing this new career (and almost did). But something was WAY bigger than my fear of failing, way more important to me than my fear of starting something new, of rejection and intimidation.. of training a room full of people ahhh! My desire to help others trumped my fear of failing, my fear of anything really. Oh the fear was still there,

but if you can make your purpose bigger, then you’re unstoppable

So here I am, still shaking (still human) but pushing forward and moving through that uncomfortable feeling. I wanted to share this with you because I learned that if you have something that tugs at you and that you always come back around to, do that thing. I promise you’ll never regret following your passion. Especially when you give of yourself because

that is your legacy

I really like adding in quotations can you tell? lol And I don’t even care how cheesy this is going to sound because I believe it with everything I am- I do believe that as fitness instructors and trainers we work in the service industry. I learned so much going through training and I value the statement that- we hold the space for people to move through whatever they’re going through. We guide and encourage our clients to step into their power, and it’s not about us. And that’s the ONE thing that got me through teaching my very first class this morning. To be a light in someone’s day because

sometimes people are silently struggling

We’ve all been there right? Who doesn’t struggle? But if I can leave my shit at the door, show up for someone else, help them push through the rough stuff, and show them how fuggen strong they really are- honestly that’s why I decided to pivot my career.

I just needed to get that out. And even though you may not be thinking of becoming a leader in fitness, whatever it is that you’re going after, keep going. You’re a leader just by being relentless and getting after it even when it seems too hard- especially when it seems too hard. So I’ll end this public diary entry with some real life images and video from today. A very special day that I’ll never forget. It’s not professional or polished but here it is and I’m so proud of everyone who showed up. Thank you for your energy, your smiles, and your encouragement. Lacey Stone, you already know! Ride or die baby! Mucho respeto <3

So tell me something scary af yet special that you’ve done that you thought was for you but you realized had nothing to do with you and it totes fulfilled you because it was bigger than you

xoxo- Jess

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

This cutie baby. I was 16, she was just a few months old, and like a baby model!

Then And Now

by with One Comment motivation

FYI this is a book. Do you remember that movie from the 80’s where a group of friends reunite after many years and the entire film revolves around one pivotal summer? That’s today’s theme as I revisit my past- except it includes many pivotal seasons, with friends- except you’re my friends, some old and some new.

It feels pretty fitting today being International Women’s Day and me reliving moments that heavily revolve around women literally saving my life in certain moments. This is for them and for you.

Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism we use to protect ourselves from getting too close, but sometimes it’s just easier for us to put others in a box of expectations, like four walls full of assumptions that are usually far from the actual truth. At the end of the day we’re all more alike than we are different and we’re all moving through something. I think the more we share our stories the more we can help one another. Here’s some of mine

15 and pregnant

I was actually 15 when I got pregnant with Corrine and 16 when I had her. I lost all my friends, my HS gently asked me to leave and continue my studies from home, and I disappointed every single person I respected.

What I learned– no one gets to decide YOUR life but you. I fought to keep Corrine when my family wanted me not to have her (ps they LOVED her when she was born. Not the point). I fought to finish my HS education and graduated a year early with the Presidential Award and a scholarship. So when someone tells you that you can’t do something, tell them to watch you, and then strut your ass away like you’re on the brightest most biggest lit runway of life.

Leaving a love. 

Whether you’re ending a marriage, breaking up with your significant other, or fleeing in the middle of the night because your life depends on it, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. I left a marriage, I left a relationship, and each time it didn’t get easier. What helped is when friends (lookin’ at you Kiki) took us in and let us stay with them when we had no where to go and I didn’t want us to sleep in our car again.

What I learned- leave before it’s too late. Before you hate each other, before it becomes too toxic that you no longer respect one another enough to be decent. Before you throw wrenches or take a fist to the face, before you can’t leave. Ask for help, reach out to a friend or a family member, say something. Don’t stay because it’s comfortable, because you think you need them, because you don’t.

Child custody and being broke af

I fought for years for Corrine to be in my custody. I fought by myself and for myself. He had a lawyer, a really good one. I had no one and nothing but 2 jobs, a mattress on the floor, a broken tv, and a shit ton of debt. Did I mention I was running from the repo company for a year? And I did it because I had this little human looking up at me depending on me for coping skills and I swear you can do it too. When I had no love left for myself I still showed her love. Even when I felt like I had none to give and was worthy of none in return, she made me the woman I am today.

What I learned- I have to love myself for Corrine to ever know what love looks like or feels like. It’s so important the things we say to ourselves when no one is listening. I had to lean on women in my life for them to see the light in me (and show it to me) when I couldn’t find it in myself. Lean on friends, check in on the strong ones- they probably need it most, and I hope you love yourself more than anyone could ever love you.

Life today- meeting Joe and the happily ever after

Joe’s the first relationship I’ve ever been in where I feel safe. Safe to be myself, to feel my crazy, to be insecure, to be outrageous and uncontrollable. You’re worth someone that will only compliment your happiness and never control your life or determine your worth.

What I learned- how to get out of debt, how to set goals as a team, how to BE a team mate, how to stop trying to control everything. How to let go… oh ya, did I tell you I’m a type A control freak? In all seriousness, the worries I had as a single mom don’t hurt me anymore and to be honest I’m still coping with that reality. It’s another life not having to live like someone’s gonna take everything away from me if I don’t hold it tightly. Joe brings that security to our family, the feeling of grounding which is so important. I’m super independent but I can finally let that feeling like we could starve or be homeless go. We haven’t struggled like that in years but it’s still hard for me to realize that I’m not struggling any more, I mean I still struggle, but it’s different. We all struggle.

I know that was a lot but I really wanted to share some things and to also tell you that you’re not alone. Take from this BOOK of a post what you need. And if you need to hear that it’ll be okay I promise it will.

Tell me something pivotal in your life and what you learned. 

 

 

 

 

Thank You, Next

by with 2 Comments personalrantsrelationshipswellness

With each new year I take some time to reflect on the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, and what I’ve learned. This story is inspired by my friend Karissa. I want to give you a brief history of some significant relationships in my life that I’ve had with women and with men, which were all important to me so here goes.

Also, if this is the first time you’re hearing about me dating women it’s because I don’t go around talking about my love life and generally in life my sexual orientation doesn’t come up. I mean who goes around asking, “So, what you into?”. And two, privacy. But if you ask me I’ll tell you, I fall in love with a person. I don’t see gender I see character, I see integrity, I see love, and I see who I am when I’m with them. I see who they are when they’re with me and I fall in love with a person’s spirit, not their body parts. Though, those are nice too.

FIRST LOVE
Corrine’s father, my first everything. We met in High School, I was 14 and nerdy, he was in my grade, popular and confident. He made me feel seen when I didn’t feel seen in the world at all. Your teenage years are difficult and we navigated those years together. Getting pregnant, getting married, and then getting divorced. I grew up with him but I had a lot of growing up to do.

What he taught me: how to love. At one point in life, we truly loved each other. He taught me a lot about control. Self control and that you can’t control someone else, you have power over yourself and that’s about it. I lost myself in him which was beautiful and terrible. Love is tricky always but especially tricky when you’re not emotionally mature. I’ll forever be grateful to you for Corrine. The very best of the both of us lives in her, thank you for that R.

Song that reminds me of him:  Mariah Carey’s ‘When I Saw You’ came out when we met and I used to play it on repeat and dream about lunch time with him when we wouldn’t actually eat lunch but instead make out for 30 minutes near the cafeteria. Oh young ones.

Favorite memory: He’d drive me to school and we’d blast rap music so loudly (lots of Too Short and Baby Bash) that my ears would ring for the first half of the day and then we’d pass notes to each other during shop class. I still have the first note he ever wrote me. Next,

THE LOVER
my first real girlfriend. I started kissing girls in the 8th grade when I realized I liked them (way to go 12 year old me, live yo life), but this was different. She held my hand in public, she was a young mom like me, and I loved the way she handled herself, very composed. We’d listen to music together and dance around the living room when the kids were in bed and drink whiskey. Thank you for my love of whiskey and singing country music with me L. 

What she taught me: Have fun outside of being a mom, it’s necessary. Make time for the relationships you want to last, relationships take effort and friendships are relationships.

Song that reminds me of her: Pink anything. We listened to Pink all day.

Favorite memory: Diner dates. We’d go to a diner and talk about life over coffee and waffles and whipped cream. Next,

THE MENTOR
we met when ‘cruising’ was cool. He rode motorcycles and was detailed and intelligent. He took care of us in a time when I had nothing and was working two jobs to keep it together while everything was falling apart. He helped me get back on my feet and encouraged me to go to college. He taught me the true meaning of being independent. I traveled, went out with friends, and found my passions again because he gave me the freedom to. I’ll forever love motorcycles, fast cars, and my boobs, thank you G. 

What he taught me: How to be aware of my surroundings, be a more defensive driver, P.O. Boxes forever, and to stand up for myself. He was in law enforcement so being paranoid in a good way was good. Still is. I always have an ‘out’ no matter where in public I go.

Song that reminds me of him: ‘Nobody’ by Keith Sweat

Favorite memory: late night motorcycle rides through the canyons. He’d wake me up in the middle of the night to hike me around windy roads with cool breezes and star chasing. Next,

THE NURSE
we met in college. She was in my 6am English class and wore a hoodie like nobody’s business. Her makeup was dark and in private moments she was sweet and laughed easily. She was driven. She wanted to be a nurse and the first in her family to get a degree. And she did it. I helped her get out of an abusive relationship and she helped me realize my love for taking care of and helping others. She was selfless and fiery. You always called me out on my shit and made me feel safe to talk about things that hurt, thank you for that M. 

What she taught me: you must first be able to count on yourself before you can count on anyone else. Never break promises to yourself. That my intuition is always right. And that letting go is a good thing.

Song that reminds me of her: The Pussycat Dolls ‘Watcha Think About That’

Favorite memory: She’d walk me to my Psych class on Tuesdays and Thursdays before she had to go into work and we’d just stroll around campus with breakfast burritos and hot cheetos talking about everything and nothing. She always smelled amazing. Next,

THE WIFE
we met when I was married to my first husband. We were just friends then and remained friends after my divorce, always following one another’s lives and supporting each other. Our friendship turned into something more years later and I was in love with her in such a way, we even talked about marriage. She was smart, witty and SO funny! She was never embarrassed to show me affection in public and we remained friends after our breakup and still follow one another’s lives and support each other. You were my first real girlfriend long before you were my real girlfriend. Thank you G. 

What she taught me: To be beautiful it just takes a genuine smile, some heart, and some silliness.

Song that reminds me of her: We listened to the 90’s a lot together, that whole era brings back great memories.

Favorite memory: one of the first memories I have with her was being in a car and feeling frazzled for some reason. I was still married then. She knelt down and looked at me in my eyes, she touched my arm in a serious but tender way and said, “it’s going to be okay, you’re strong and you have friends and I’m one of them.”
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So there it is. Do you like stories like this? Let me know in the comments <3 Revisiting each of the loves of my life through this short-not-so-short-story really allowed me to look at each of them with gratitude. So your turn, thank you Karissa for this! Here’s the template she gave me:

One word to sum up your significant other:
A brief description of your relationship (focus on gratitude):
Lessons you learned:
Song that reminds you of them:
Favorite memory:

I hope you do this, it’s so interesting to me what loves make up our past and present. They’re all so significant if you really think about it. And not from a negative space but to focus on gratitude as she suggests. I actually teared up writing this! Your turn!